Whose phone doth ring in class,
Interrupting Mr. Tuttle as he teaches
Driver's Ed or Glee Club or
The asinine assignment that spawned Buddy Bands?
What reason could there be for such a ring,
Such a thing to tear Stansbury-hopefuls from their studies?
The gray phone rises, cumbersome but sleek,
Like the mysterious Tori Scott.
But it's not the phone that must atone for this disturbance.
It is the tow-headed knave in the back row.
(Actually, he might not be headed so,
For his roots doth show!)
His voice creaks when Kelly dances by,
Flouncing and bouncing her bangs so high that he turns,
And faces us.
He smiles that smile and whiles away the hours
In which we wait for him to say "Time In"
And whisk us away to the Max where my true basking can begin.
Not even he could distract my view of that blonde Tom Cruise
Who doth capture my heart without subliminal messages.
His sweaters are iffy, true,
But he so easily woos me with schemes to get rich quick,
Get a hot car,
Get a quick kiss,
Sneak underage into a bar
Where we may dance with college kids,
And I may find my way into his fantasy of the future.
To be the faceless woman who will always be Kelly.
Whether I'm Jessie or Lisa or Stacy Carosi,
I will never truly be me with that Preppie.
But I care not.
Attack me, Zachariah, with whatever love you see fit.
Be my master and friend forever and I will never
Make you dance ballet to graduate.
I will never date my boss or ruin your prom.
If you wish to make a swimsuit calendar of me, you may.
If you wish to manage my band
Or exploit my precognition,
I would allow it.
I would commission it!
It brought us together with a ring.
We might as well go to Las Vegas
And make it official.
That is the wish and this miss's bliss, such joy as I could never dismiss.
I do not care that you have become your father.
While running wild is our yellow-haired and duplicitous child,
You whisper into your phone constantly,
Into that heavy plastic that I can never surpass.
Kelly and heavy plastic: those are your loves, not I.
Nor would I ask it of you.
Do not send me away.
I know I've been paraplegic and overweight
And I don't deserve you,
But I would do anything to hold your phone.
O to be that straw sitting in my lord's soda,
I'd let you cheat off my test,
I'd rat out Johnny Dakota
For one night in your anti-Valley arms.